Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Pulse Life and DEAL with GRIEF!!

Two serious Crisis in ONE MONTH! 
Lessons learned!

This month has been extremely hard on me. Many unforseen things have landed on me to cause me emotional grief. 

Learn to PULSE LIFE!
Then also, is good and exciting things that  have happened, and I over did it. 
After 15 years with this illness, I have not totally "got" how to protect myself from this weakness.
Number one, I always need to be mindful of how much I do, or over do, and rest in between. I need to pulse my life so that it doesn't take me down. Most of the time I am able to do this. Sometimes I get so OCD about stuff that I continue to hang on until things are done, and then I have gone too far.
So learning to "PULSE" is truly a golden rule that I must stick with.

Managing Emotional Pain!
Second is emotional grief that is much harder to control.  Stuff can hit you from all four corners of the earth and there needs to be some sort of dumping ground that clears that out so it doesn't get carried over.
 But this month, I didn't dump. No I did not. I pulled it all in on me and chewed on it like it was some kind of food I had to eat!!
I suffered from this so badly that I nearly could have died or worse, stroked.
Here is how it went down. 

The first episode was partly my OCD that got involved. I am working at a new business that I love. I am sewing and embroidering and creating items for sale and for fun.
I got involved in a project that I could not put down  and wanted to see the end. So I spend 7 hours one day sewing and other days many more hours. It didn't last long before that took me out. I am not well enough for that amount of labor. I am in bed way too much with this illness and still not really able to exercise much at all. 

Family stress needs to be nipped in the bud!
And friends can be dangerous too!
 So on top of that there were some family stresses and when my kids are angry with me, my heart is torn in two.  Then to add insult to injury a friend walked out of my life. A long time friend and I didn't understand that. There were more things that went down but I am putting the highlights there.
I grieved over my lost friend, my kids anger and all the other little things that were hitting me. All the while, I am sewing for hours.
  I started hitting bottom each day and having the shakes but I ignored it and took solu cortef stress doses.

It hits fast!
  Four days later it came on BIG BIG BIG!  WHOA right out of the blue, suddenly it was serious. I was taking 25 mg injections, one at a time to test how much I needed until over a two hour period, I had 100 mgs and I still was not even close to out of this mess.
 I sat up and all of a sudden my body went totally numb all over and I didn't feel like I was in this world any more. 
 I always check my BP to see where I am at with cortisol as that is a great measure for me. I shoot up some when I am low.
 I went to check and I was not just up, I was way in the danger zone. Well over 200/\over 110.  I turned to my hubby and said "I think something is wrong! I am having very high BP and this medicine is not working."
 Then suddenly just like that, I turned my head and passed right out. I saw the dark for only a few seconds though and put myself right on the floor. I could not move or lift my head for I would start to pass out again.
  That has NEVER ever happened to me in my life and was a very creepy experience. As I am laying on the floor, I am wondering if I am having a stroke? So I tell hubby to call the squad. 
I know he cannot carry me to the car.

The Hospital is adrenal insufficiency DUMB!
The squad came and found  my BP even higher still. so they run me off to the hospital.
While at the ER I was NOT given steroids for my crisis OR fluids. They simply looked at my high BP and admitted me to watch that. They felt steroids and fluids would raise my BP higher but no, both of those things lower my BP because they take me out of the crisis!
They left me in a crisis for an entire night because no one is educated in the medical world that HIGH BP is part of a beginning crisis. So I got alot worse before I got better.
 Hubby brought me syringes and meds in the morning and I took care of ME right there. 
Then they gave me blood prssure meds and I finally saw a doctor at 1 pm the next day. I tried to tell her the danger she put me in, but she argued with me and it was of no use. I signed myself out and came home. She didn't even send me home with BP meds. I will never darken the doors of that hospital again and they are lucky that I did not die or stroke!
  So I came home and took care of me for a few days until I could function again.  And you won't believe this, but it hit me all over again just a week later!

My beautiful dog died! and the 
 My dog died on Monday. Her story is complex but we had to have her put down. The pain of bringing a happy dog to the vets and killing her, about took me out!
 I cried and grieved for days about this.
I could not over come this and really didn't realize how dangerous even this was, for my adrenals.
Then came the mean people on facebook. I just happened to run into a few situations that are all too common where people think they have the answers and slap their opinions and anger on others. For some reason that was a bad week for those situations. I got a few that hit me. The pain got worse on top of my already horrible pain over the loss of my dog.
 Well by thursday  I thought that I was getting over some of that. I did some cooking and errands on Thursday and on Friday I went out to have eye appointments with my daughter, and hubby, and  I felt ok. sigh............

I was not ok but felt ok?
  So how does one feel ok but the body under it, is not?  Well I guess that is how it can go down because on Saturday morning right out of the blue, I suddenly went into a crisis. Shaking and sick and that high BP all over again. This time I knew there was not going to be an ER. I knew I had to handle this myself, so I did. 
 It is now Wednesday of the following week and I still can't get out of bed. I am weak and worn out, but my steroids are closer to normal with a bit of stress dosing now. This just took alot out of me and I am yet to know how long I will need now to recover.
  So what am I doing now to prevent grief and emotional stress?
I must have a dumping ground. Things that normal people can deal with, I cannot. Those things are dangerous to my life.
 I must protect myself. 
Mom is not the strong one. 
So I have chatted with my children. I have asked them to not hold anger towards mom for things. I don't ever want to hurt them and will be the first to apologize, but let's communicate instead of being angry with mom. Kids think mom is the strongest and can take all their feelings. But a mom with SAI honestly is not as strong, as she once was. Yes I am always appearing strong to them, but my body is saying otherwise. My kids are all adults. We can do this!
  So we have to mature here and try and just be more kind to one another, so that my body doesn't react. I hate that in a way. I don't want to appear weak to my kids or fragile in any way. But hey, I have to be smart here and do what it takes. No one wants to be caring for a stroked out mom and I am not allowing that to happen to me. I must stand strong against that, so that my body weakness is watched over  by my mind. 

How to handle grief?
  Next is how do we handle serious grief when we have AI?  Gosh I hope I get that one figured out. But one thing I do know is I didn't stress dose enough for it. I didn't notice the need for it. When adrenaline is running high and emotions are strong, it doesn't allow you to feel weak or tired or shakey. It somewhat keeps you feeling like you are ok, under it. But now I see I was not in the least bit ok. I was in very grave danger.
  So stress dosing is so important in emotional grief, whether or not, you feel the need.

Find a dumping ground!
Next is the dumping ground.  When people are being mean and rude, find a friend to vent with. Dump that pain somewhere else. Don't carry that pain. Maybe not all of it can be dumped. The rest simply needs steroids.

Taking angry and hurt thoughts into captivity.
Let it go. Let God and Forgive!
Third is taking thoughts into captivity. Do not dwell on these people and the issues. Cast those thoughts out of your mind and pray to God to help you put in good thoughts that are healthy for your body. Turn over the people and their issues to God and pray for them.
  Don't carry that pain. It is very hard to do this and it is an exercise in discipline for real. 
But it does work. I know it does. My son died three years ago and I have had to see him alive instead of the dead person I found. I have had to force my mind to see him beautiful in heaven. If I dwell on what I found, it will take me down.  So I force it. I think on those things that are good, righteous, holy and pure and  beautiful.  Not on those negative painful things.

Journal about it. Give it to God!
Fourth, I have started a journal. I am journaling my days and what goes down. I am journaling how much stress doses I take. This way if I see myself going many days of stress, that is a red flag for more steroids and slow down to heal, instead of keeping on walking right into the lions den to a crisis.

Share your journey with me how you stay away from a crisis? 

I am sure others will have more tools that I can incorporate into this package
I would love to hear from you on how you cope with the grief, over doing life and the emotional upset that comes from strife with others.
  God bless you all in your walk through this daily challenge of staying alive and safe with adrenal insufficiency. 
 Learn to say no. NO to too much doing. NO to people who want you to be involved in this and that and NO to their meanness. PULSE YOUR LIFE!!
Walk away from the mean ones. Shake the dust off your feet. 
Vent with a friend and pray for them. Don't carry their meanness with you.  Don't carry grief. Take thoughts into captivity and think good thoughts. Keep a journal. Stay safe!

Terry Quinn