Saturday, May 7, 2016

Taking my emotional cortisol temperature minute by minute is exhausting!

The daily roller coaster:
My cortisol pump has settings to give me cortisol according to my circadian rhythm.
 All well and great, as long as my day doesn't contain any additional stress. or physical activity.
But that is impossible!
So most every day, I am checking and rechecking to see if what I am about to do is going to need more cortisol and how much. OR if what I just did without adding cortisol. or enough of it, caused me to back slide. and now I need to catch up.
Catching up isn't that simple and can usually send me into a day or two in bed feeling miserable.
I pay dearly for any amount of fun activity, any shocking news, any argument with anyone, any mean hateful words spoken to me, bad news, good news, excitement, exercise and you name it. If it takes adrenalin, it costs me cortisol. If I don't pay the cortisol, I pay with a crash. If I don't fix the crash, I pay with a crisis. If I don't stop the crisis, I pay with my life.

I am responsible for my very life:

Totally, daily, minute by minute, I am taking my emotional cortisol temperature to see if this situation needs more by bolus or injection.
If I take too much, I will have weight gain, anxiety, feel hyper, fluid retention and general irritability.
If I don't take enough, I will have anxiety, irritability, general anger, emotional outbursts, cry easily, feel weak, tired, exhausted, nauseated, and depression not to mention suicide thoughts that want to take me off this earth.
Staying in the middle takes constant checks and deciding how much to give myself via bolus or injection. in order to be ok.

It is like being on duty 24/7 365 days a year without a break ever:

I can't ever take a break from this constant monitoring. If I do, I slide downward. My husband can tell when I have slid and he will ask me if I need cortisol.
Everyone expects me to be emotionally sane. as I am a mature mom who raised nine children. I should be this calm together individual who doesn't have a care in the world now. I am retired.
But no, my life was stolen 15 years ago when adrenal insufficiency hit. I haven't had a chance to live that calm simple life. Now I play nurse maid to Terry all day long so that I can keep my sanity and have enough energy to do a little bit in life and not live in bed all the time.
That has proved dangerous to me because I nearly died of blood clots in my lungs last December. I have to move. Moving takes cortisol, but how much?

I am an experiment every day:

Yes I am this test tube. Let me see, I am going on a motorcycle ride. I think 15 mgs extra injection will keep me going. I inject 15 mgs and go. I run around a couple hours and I come home and all of a sudden I am out of gas. Not in my bike. But in my body.
 I realize I didn't give myself enough. So I inject 15 more, but it is close to bed time and that could keep me awake all night. or it could help me sleep. Let me see if the test tube is working. OH no it ran down my leg after I injected it. I have to do it again. So I do. Now I am suffering from the anxiety of too much and I can't sleep.
  I have broken more then one test tube with my experiments. 
In fact I break one almost every day. as no two days are the same. and nothing seems to match. 
It truly depends on the condition of my body when I take that dose whether or not it will be enough, too little or too much. 
 Weight gain has been gradual since this started and 100 lbs have crept on me little by little of the 15 year period. I didn't eat too much food. I just had to spend way too much time in bed not doing life and gaining weight and too much cortisol at times adds to it.
  I can't live in the land of not enough, or I am suicidal and angry at the world. I can't live in the land of too much or I am gaining weight, irritable, hyper and want to eat too many sweets.
 So every day I pick up my test tube and take my emotional cortisol temperature minute by minute to see if I am in the zone.
 The job takes energy all by itself.  That word energy. That is all I am trying to achieve. Energy to do life, not over do, not under do, just do. 
This job was created for my body to take on naturally all by itself. If I had a working pituitary, that would happen and I could live each day not concerning myself with all this emotional cortisol temperature. 
I want it back. I want me back. I want this healed. I pray to God that a miracle can happen and my body will do the job it was intended to do. 
I don't want this job. I want to live a simple happy peaceful life. This roller coaster is awful and the outside world doesn't understand me when I am not in sync. 
Lord let me be healed or show me how to operate this ride. Thank you!!